Miss Sophie....

Miss Sophie is at it again.  I'm back at uni so Sophie is home alone more frequently and loves to amuse herself by digging in search of the centre of the earth.  We have red dirt that turns to clay very quickly here particularly if it is raining - as it has been.  I arrived home after a 4 hour class yesterday, weary and a bit sore from long hours of sitting. A very excited and happy girl met me at the back door. Oh my goodness.

The other side and her head were worse but she was moving so much I was unable to snap a good photo.

The back deck was filthy and I forgot to photograph the clay up the walls, up the sliding doors and plastered into the flyscreen where she had flung it with wild abandon. It looked like she had been channeling Pro Hart.  :) So I went inside, changed into my daggy clothes, bathed Sophie, locked her in the house out of reach of the mud then took myself to Bunnings to purchase materials to try to fix her hole....

Wire is hopeless so I ended up purchasing sand to fill the hole and some fake grass to throw over the top and then nail down with spikes.  She shouldn't be able to dig through that.

In progress.... I am hoping the artificial turf will work. I have to go and source more sand and then put the second piece of turf down too once I have the soil all leveled out.

Mum came over early this morning and helped me to move the furniture so that I could scrub the back deck.  I sprinkled the deck with washing powder, sprayed it down with a mist spray from the hose then scrubbed it with a scrubbing brush (the pressure cleaner does little to remove the red colour of the soil). A final hose and a lot of bubbles later and it has turned out well.  Until next time at least.

I have a day at my desk today.  I'm finishing homework, doing some revision (yes already) and starting to research for my first two assignments.  I'm doing a comparison of Person Centred therapy and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and preparing a presentation on Gender Dysphoria which is really interesting and enjoyable to put together so far.

Stay well lovelies.

The Garden

Life is slowly entering my garden. Yesterday, a willy wag tail hopped and bobbed around as they do. Today, a butterfly flitted in and out of the geisha flowers.  It makes me happy.  Seeing butterflies and birds makes me realise how disconnected from nature and the cycle of the seasons I have become since J leaving and me moving to this little block.  I've had a bird bath in the garden since I moved here two years ago and it's only now that I am beginning to see birds.

I built a raised garden bed in the back yard a few weeks ago and filled it lasagne style with layers of cane mulch, compost, and manure.  I let it sit for just over two weeks to start to compost down into soil and it sat happily in the long rainy days since then.  This morning I went for a quick trip to Bunnings and picked up some seedlings to plant.  I came home with strawberries, chives, dill, thyme, capsicum, zucchini, mini snow peas, baby roma tomatoes, kale, rocket, lettuce and a pentas plant for the butterflies.  While Sophie sat inside in the airconditioning refusing to leave the house, I went out and planted up the garden.  I've crowd planted it to maximise space and to reduce weeds - not that weeds should be a problem in this style of garden.  I have a few more seedlings to plant into pots around the side of the house but it is too hot there at this time of day so that is a job for later.  Hopefully I get a good yield.  The garden is such a happy place.

 

 My raised garden.  A Birdies brand from Bunnings which was easy for me to put together by myself.

Dwarf snow peas with a cheap climbing frame from Bargain Max.

I've planted two varieties of strawberries. They make me think of my childhood on the farm.  I earned my first ever pay packet picking strawberries, a round fifty cent piece and a small perfume bottle.  No doubt I ate more that went into my tray.

My basil it going great guns after the recent rain and here is the pentas I purchased for the butterflies. I'll transplant it into a larger pot and nestle it in the garden bed.

A Morning Out

On Friday I had a serious case of cabin fever so I decided to head out.  Keeping in mind our recent heavy rain and localised flooding I decided to stick to areas where I was pretty sure that the roads would be open.  I headed up to Buderim and went for a walk in the park near the Arts Cottage.

 

The grevillias were in full bloom.  I've not seen this beautiful yellow before.

 The buckinghamias are in full bloom wherever you see them. I have one in my front yard and it has been heavy with flowers for weeks. So pretty. 

Buckinhamias are often called Curl Curls. You can see from this close up of the flower why this is so.

I then picked up my friend Jodi and we went to see the Endeavour Prize Home.  It was accessed by a steep winding road which if left unsealed would have resembled a goat track.  It was nice enough.  I am happy to see that prize homes have become just a nice, normal house rather than the mansions of old.  Far more livable and easier to rent or onsell.  The house itself was built over 3 levels and made the most of the views out over the trees.  

I arrived home to find my crucifix orchid has finally flowered. Yay!  I brought it with me, one of the few plants that I was able to save from my old garden.  I had begun to think it would never flower.  So happy.

Your'e Gonna Be Ok.

When you are struggling, things come to you at certain times that help you through a moment, a day, a month.  For me one of those things was the following song.  When I wrote yesterday about putting one food in front of another I remembered this song and decided to share it with you.  I played it on a loop for awhile there and it helped me through even if I couldn't see how anything would ever be ok again.

At the moment I am listening to a lot of the 2 Cellos.  It's making me want to get back into playing the cello or violin again.  My hands are a lot better than they were so maybe I could play again...

Here is one of my favourites from the boys. I hope you enjoy the music I've shared today. xx

Steps to healing and solastalgia.

Source: Pinterest

It's quite amazing how your inner landscape changes after abuse and trauma.  Things that never used to bother me, or never even entered my awareness are now triggers sending off anxiety responses and distress.  The intensity of these varies and even though I am aware of them and have good protective strategies in place, frequently they go where they want to go as happens in trauma response.  Your hypothalamus hijacks your brain and off goes your heart rate, blood pressure, cognitive function etc.  If ever you find yourself in the company of someone with severe anxiety or experiencing a traumatic trigger please don't expect them to snap out of it or just get over it, the healing process doesn't work like that. They are not being dramatic or silly, nor is it something they have control over.  Be patient, help them to ease their anxiety and fear by using their senses.  Smelling the smells around them, feeling the breeze on their skin. Noticing the texture of their shirt, the temperature, identifying 5 sounds around them or 5 blue or round or soft things in their immediate environment. This reconnects them to their body and the present moment and helps to calm their response.

Triggers are unique to the individual and can change over time.  After I first had J's affair confirmed, anything relating to infidelity or happy relationships and romance triggered me. It made me aware just how prevalent the theme of infidelity is in literature, in movies and on tv, in songs.  It was so incredibly painful and physically distressing.  My favourite show was The Big Bang Theory and I've never watched it again as it became a very strong trigger for me. At one stage I was unable to even watch ads for it. While I was at the hospital with J, he was texting his lady friend and asking her to sing 'Soft kitty' (from Big Bang) to him and now the song and the betrayal are firmly entwined in my mind. Shopping at Woolworths was another trigger and it took me 18 months to be able to step foot in there. Such simple things that are harmless yet can serve as triggers for emotional and psychological pain in addition to the physiological response.  Slowly, slowly getting better. It's not an easy or pleasant road to walk but what can you do other that keep walking forward and turning your face to the light....

Source: Pinterest

Long before the chaos and carnage I was always reading and researching. My health was one focus area, as was the relationship between diet and mental health, and nature and mental health.  Now, all of that previous reading is paying off as I find myself studying these very things at university. It is interesting to me just how my life, beliefs and behaviours are being reflected in my university studies. I meditated, did yoga, practiced mindflness, journalled, expressed myself creatively and connected purposefully with nature.  The research shows the importance of these very things in the promotion of personal wellbeing and maintaining mental health.  These practices are used to treat anxiety, stress and other mental health issues. They promote and support recovery from trauma and are frequently used with individuals who have PTSD. 

Next week I attend two professional development sessions on Solastalgia.  As mentioned above Solastalgia is a mental health issue that relates to anxiety about our environment.  I'll be interested to see what is covered in these sessions as most of my reading has related to the benefit of spending time in green and blue space. My garden and trees (green space) were a source of great healing and solace for me, and there were times that I lay beneath the trees or on the lawn to soothe myself or even sleep. Some nights I was so scared inside the house I lay on the lawn in the front yard because I felt deeply the comforting presence of the trees, whilst also knowing that I could run unhindered if I needed to.  I miss those trees with an aching intensity that has barely abated. There are trees here but they are not mine.

The Japanese concept of Shinrin-yoku or forest bathing is a concept that has long resonated with me.  Going out into the forest and nature and spending time 'bathing', and relaxing is considered to be an important part of people's wellbeing. This is supported by empirical evidence which says that 2 hours per week in nature has significant benefits on our physiological and mental health.  Blue zones such as the beach are an option to green space. As part of a holistic approach to therapy I would like to include nature exposure in my sessions either through a garden or natural environments. I dream of having a walled garden to serve as a physical green space for therapy, whilst also being a physical representation of the Sacred Garden. In the shamanic traditions the sacred garden was used as a vehicle for connecting individuals with their internal landscapes and their wise self.  It also created a safe emotional space for clients to enter. My niece does equine therapy out in a paddock and it is marvelous for her.....but that is a whole other story.

Take time outside this week lovelies.  Whether it's a walk in a park, digging in your garden or a visit to the beach.  Let your spirit soak in it and come home refreshed and recharged.

xxx

Remembering Tree Day

Since my niece and three nephews were very small we have held Tree Day at the beginning of December each year.  On this day I gift the children with their first Christmas present - a new decoration for the tree, then we decorate. As I had hoped it is something that the children have come to love dearly and to look forward to. Even though the two oldest are in their teens they still LOVE it.

I began Tree Day when there were only two little cousins who decorated the tree only as high as they could reach and we pretty much left it like that.  Each year the tree has been decorated higher and higher.

There are four cousins now and two tower over me they've grown so much and I'm happy to say that the tree is decorated right to the top these days. Our red head gets his license this year and is such a beautiful calm soul.  Miss R turns 15 this year and is such a sweet heart.  Both she and her brother are on the Autism Spectrum as well as having other difficulties so both are in the special education unit at school. Her brother starts at high school with her this year but only for an hour a day at first as they ease him into the new environment. My wonderful sister is homeschooling him for the other hours.  The two littlies, not even present at our first tree day both go to high school this year and are the funniest pair as well as being the best of friends which is lovely. Their fathers, my brother and brother-in-law have been best friends since childhood too.

Because of her hypersensitivity getting Miss R to wash her hair is a monumental issue.  I managed to take her with me to the hairdressers under the guise of special girl time and she had her hair washed, cut and dried. I'm sure Susan could have wept with relief and R so loved the whole experience.  I can't believe how grown up she is.  She is the little blondie in the first picture of Tree Day.

Of course Sophie was in the thick of things and once the children were finished she collapsed exhausted on the ground and snored soundly. Sweet darling girl. It's what she does most of the time these days.

Changing Landscapes

Your landscapes can change in a heartbeat. Mine did. Just over three years ago I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a work colleague....and then he left.  He didn't leave cleanly or kindly.  By the time his prolonged and chaotic departure was complete my landscape was a post nuclear waste zone and I had been smashed into a million pieces. To this day I am still trying to fit back together in some healthy way.

As a result of the situation and the destructive behaviour I was exposed to, I was eventually diagnosed with major depression and complex PTSD.  Depression is a strange landscape where you feel nothing and no longer have any connections to anything.  You feel completely disconnected from the people and things that you once loved and that gave you joy. It was an interesting state to observe and experience, but not a place you want to stay in.

Needing to find a way to support myself and my illness riddled body I looked for a new career away from teaching that was kinder to the needs that autoimmune diseases place on your body.  So, I went back to university and did so during the chaos, the shock, the fear, the panic, the grief, the legalities and the selling of my home.  I had no confidence in my ability to pursue tertiary studies even though I already had a Bachelor's degree.  But uni was the place I felt safe.  I have always loved learning and had continued to research and learn all the years of my illness and marriage.  Psychology was the path I chose and while physically I found it very difficult to meet the needs of study, I surprised myself by finding the academic side to be easy. I left my undergraduate studies last November with a GPA of 7.  That's basically all High Distinctions.  I'm still incredulous.  I begin my research Masters in Counselling (Creative Arts Therapies as well as approaches supported by empirical research such as CBT), in February and have plans in place to complete my PhD also. I'm on track to have a paper peer reviewed and published before graduating. That would have been completely inconceivable to me 12 months ago and now I know that it is highly achievable and possible.  My ex-husband said he was intimidated by how good I was with people and in how I understood them.  Well, now he'd probably be terrified by me.  Is it strange that I find no joy or comfort in that thought? If this experience has taught me anything about myself it is that I am without malice and wish no ill of others regardless of what they have done.  He also treated me like I was stupid.  Think my results prove that wrong.

I now live on a small block in a housing estate with large fences blocking out the neighbours. A neighbourhood and house style (white on white) that I claimed I'd never live in. So different from the beautiful acreage with sprawling gardens, pool and granny flat that I was used to.  It's perfect though while I study and so quiet. Far quieter than the house on acreage was.  My neighbours are wonderful, both in my street and within the estate. Miss Sophie is still with me and has grown up so much my beloved Jess passed away very suddenly, two years ago.

We are surrounded by bush land and there are swimming holes and ponds very close by.  We walk around the pond when Sophie is up to it. She has degenerative discs in her spine so I have to do things very carefully and take things easily with her.  I miss the wildlife that had become my company in my old home but I am not lonely here.  I was lonelier in my marriage.  I am safe here too.  Emotionally safe that is but it is also a safe neighbourhood.

Writing this has exhausted me and I've thought long and hard again about whether to continue with my blog.  Sometimes our landscapes are dark and barren and if I am going to be authentic then I need to share that.  I'm interested to note that I still have extremely little anger towards J.  Mainly I still feel deeply, deeply hurt and traumatised.  Frequently I find myself surprised that they haven't gone away.  The trauma has eased a bit after going no contact, lots of therapy and time.  The hurt....well the hurt is still as deep and enormous as it was in the beginning.  Maybe starting to write again will help my healing process.

Beside my pain and along the edges of the wasteland that was my life, normal life went on. The children grew, parents aged, friendships enriched by my pain have continued and evolved and grown, life has gone on.  I'll share more in future posts about the children, visitors from overseas, my art, my study,  and the possibility of working in Tanzania once Sophie is gone.  I'm not sure how frequently I'll write but I'll work to get back into the habit before I hit the books again in February.

For now I'll sign off.  Returning here, to the landscape that is my blog, that holds so much of my past, has left me raw and exhausted. Time to pat Sophie, drink tea and enjoy my garden.  xx